


When I Bleed

by ThatOneGreyGhost



Series: Recovery Files 001: Avengers [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other, PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, like so many nightmare sequences, these characters are so fucking messed up but I love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27870493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneGreyGhost/pseuds/ThatOneGreyGhost
Summary: Bruce tries to talk to Tony about his bad habits and starts to realize that Tony is not as ok as he pretends to be. Tony tries to talk to Bruce about his emotions and winds up getting some much needed help.
Relationships: Science Bros(platonic)
Series: Recovery Files 001: Avengers [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2064849
Kudos: 19





	When I Bleed

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, ok, ok. Confession time. Once upon a time, little teenage me was... A Tony Stark Hater. *gasp* I know. Unforgivable. But then I got older, and more mature, and lemme tell you, characters like Tony Stark changed the way I looked at mental illness. I have never, and probably will never, have suicidal thoughts, but this character gave me insight as to how those thoughts work, and what they do to you. This fic is dedicated to the Tony haters, because they need to see that this character is important for representation, that he shows everyone is allowed to not be ok. I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner.
> 
> Also, I'm probably gonna make you cry. I know, I'm evil. Enjoy.

Tony was drunk again.

Bruce entered the lab and did his usual head count; one, two, three, four empty glasses and a half finished bottle of whisky. He sighed, then went up to Tony, intent on shaking him awake.

He had barely tapped Tony's shoulder when he saw the blood.

It was everywhere; on his shirt, on his face, on the counter. some of it had even dripped down to the floor. Bruce was trying to figure out what kind of injury could cause that much bleeding.

He was later ashamed to say that "self-inflicted" never crossed his mind. It was obvious, looking back, but in that moment, he never would have imagined Tony would try to kill himself. Now he was sitting across from Tony in the medical bay, trying to start a conversation he didn't really want to have.

"You gonna say anything or are you just going to keep staring at the floor like a high schooler with a crush?" Tony snapped. It hurt; Bruce suspected it was meant to. He stammered something about being nervous, and Tony just rolled his eyes and pushed back the covers. "Oh, fuck this".

"No." Bruce says firmly, and Tony stops moving, shocked. "We are going to have this conversation. I just don't know where to start".

"Oh, goody. While you're figuring out how to speak, I'll be in the lab".

"No! Tony, you tried to kill yourself!"

Tony pauses again, but he looks like someone just shot him. Bruce slaps a hand over his mouth, shocked that those words just came out of his mouth. He starts to stammer an excuse, but Tony just smiles sadly at him.

"Now, where did you get that ridiculous idea?" Tony smirks, but Bruce can see he's hiding something.

"Tony, your arms were cut open. You were bleeding out!" Bruce feels almost dizzy. He has no idea what he's doing. "If that's not a suicide attempt..."

Tony stares at him, then starts laughing. All Bruce can do is stare at him, incredulous. Tony eventually cuts off his laughter and leans back against the headboard, pushing back his hair and staring at his arm. His smile is rueful, and his eyes sparkle with pain. Bruce wonders how he didn't see it before.

*You know how* his thoughts flare up, burning his mind. *you didn't want to see it, so you didn't. You should know better*

"This one wasn't." Tony smiles at Bruce, and Bruce can see how shattered he is. It physically hurts to see his friend in that much pain. "I knew I went too deep".

"What?" Bruce feels tears burning in his eyes, but he can't cry, he can't, he needs to be strong for Tony.

"I haven't messed up that bad since I got this." Tony taps the arc reactor, his smile breaking at Bruce's expression. "I know you're probably disappointed..."

That's the thing that does it; Bruce shatters, tears spilling over as he grabs Tony and pulls him into a hug. Tony flinches, but also seems genuinely confused by Bruce's behavior. Bruce gasps as he tries to say what he's feeling, but nothing comes out. He can't verbalize how it feels to understand, to know what Tony's going through, to have ignored the signs. He can't say how much he hates himself for almost letting Tony die.

"Please." He finally manages. "Please don't ever do that again. Please, Tony. I don't want you to die".

Tony feels numb, which is why it shocks him when tears start to roll down his cheeks, staining Bruce's shirt. He's... crying? That's ridiculous, he doesn't cry. Stark men are made of iron, they don't cry.

Then Bruce does something even stranger; he says, very quietly, "I'm sorry". It's a genuine apology, but Bruce has nothing to apologize for.

"Brucie, why're you saying 'sorry'? I'm the one who slit my arms open." It's a bad attempt at gallows humor, but it also sets Tony straight; He really did that. He really did slit his arms open with a piece of broken glass. He really did that.

Bruce starts to pull back, tries to explain that he should have known something was wrong, but he hears Tony's breath catch, and he knows Tony is processing. He pulls away, and he can see Tony fighting back tears, struggling to keep composure.

"You're allowed to cry, you know." Bruce smiles wryly. Tony just gasps, closing his eyes in an attempt to force back the intense emotions he's been avoiding.

"Tony." Bruce places his hand on top of Tony's heavily bandaged wrist. "Talk to me. Please. I don't like seeing you like this".

"Why do you care?" Tony snaps, but he and Bruce both recognize the anger for what it really is; Denial. He's still trying to cling to the idea that nothing is wrong.

"I care because you're my friend. I'm just sorry I didn't see it sooner".

"You didn't know." Tony mutters. "You couldn't have".

"I should have, Tony." Bruce taps his friend's arm, pulls back when he flinches sharply. "I should have, because I've been there".

"Yeah, we all know about your reaction to the Other Guy." Tony scoffs.

"Before that, actually." Bruce pulls back his hair to a small scar behind his ear. "Being a bio major pretty much guarantees you know exactly where to shoot. If my roommate hadn't come in at that exact moment..."

Tony looks away, ashamed. He's not even going to start to tell Bruce about all the times he's tried to drink himself to death, about the time that he held a gun to his head in college and only put it down because he didn't want Rhodey to cry when he came back from finals. He's not going to think about it, he's not going to talk about it, he's not even going to-

"God, what's wrong with me?" Tony whispers, throwing his head back and hitting the wall instead of his pillow. "Ow".

"You're suicidal. Join the club." Bruce gets up, grabbing a syringe. Tony frowns at him.

"What's in that?" 

"Mild paralytic. I don't trust you not to do something stupid right now".

"That's fair." Tony sticks out his arm, waiting for the needle. He feels dead inside, like he doesn't actually exist.

Bruce slides the needle in, amazed at how quiet and cooperative Tony is. Normally, they'd have to strap him to the bed to get something like this in him. But he's not fighting now, he's just kind of... there.

"So, there's another story I can tell people." Tony mumbles. Bruce gives him an inquisitive eyebrow. "You paralyzed me, what's not to talk about there?"

"I'm... shocked." Bruce is trying to be patient, but how the hell do you talk about something like that?

"Because of my incredible wit?"

"Because you just tried to kill yourself, Tony." Bruce snaps, and he can see Tony's expression change. "You tried to commit suicide, how are you not falling apart right now? How are still pretending nothing happened?"

"Practice." Tony looks away, and Bruce realizes he may have made a mistake. He takes a deep breath, then tries again.

"Tony, please. I know you don't want to talk about it, but we need to discuss what happened".

"What happened is that I messed up! I gave in to temptation and I cut too deep! I wasn't trying to kill myself, I've been cutting for forever. Should I get help? Probably. Is it going to happen again? No, so stop bugging me!"

"Tony..."

"It was a mistake!"

"A mistake that could have killed you! Do you want to die?"

Tony glares at Bruce, and Bruce feels his veins pulsing. He needs to calm down, otherwise he's gonna Hulk out. Tony huffs, but Bruce notices how he's acting. Confrontation with a question he's been avoiding for probably years at this point does not agree with Tony.

"Tony, answer the question. Do you want to kill yourself?"

"Yes." Tony throws his hands up in exasperation. "Yes, sometimes. You happy now?"

"Why?"

That throws Tony off. Why? He doesn't have a safe answer to that question. He doesn't have anything that will get Bruce off his back.

"I don't know." He mutters quietly.

"I don't believe you." Bruce retaliates. Tony blinks in shock.

"Well, I don't, so I don't care if you don't believe me, that's the truth and-"

"Tony, please. You're a wonderful actor but a horrible liar. Do us both a favor and skip to the part where you stop trying to bullshit me and just tell me the truth".

Tony looks offended, then hurt, then just plain pissed. He grits his teeth, his hands balling into fists.

"Get. Out." He growls. Bruce just stares him down, and Tony crosses his arms, looking away.

"No".

"Get! Out!"

"We are going to talk about this if it takes all night".

"OUT! NOW!"

"Tony, I'm not leaving." Bruce reaches for his friend's shoulder.

"I SAID OUT!" Tony backhands Bruce, knocking his glasses off. It actually shocks Tony, because he hadn't meant to do that, he just couldn't handle all of this, and his reaction... his reaction...

God, he was an asshole. He felt tears stinging his eyes, and he as he looked away, he reminded himself that Stark men are made of iron, Stark men do not cry.

"Please, go away." Tony whispers. God, Bruce must hate him.

"No." Bruce gets up from picking his glasses up off the floor, sitting on the bed. Tony grabs his shirt, his arms crossed over his chest, tears burning his eyes as he holds them back.

"I'm sorry." Tony mutters. It hurts to speak, because the human body is not meant to hold back tears.

"I forgive you." Bruce taps Tony's shoulder, smiling sadly. "But I want to talk about what happened. Please, Tony, it's ok to cry".

"No it's not." Tony mutters, drawing himself closer. "Stark men are made of iron. Stark men do not cry".

"Oh, well, that's just bullshit." Bruce says, hugging his friend again. "You're human. Humans cry".

Tony lets some of the tears spill over, just a few, to get Bruce off his back about it. But then it doesn't stop. He can't stop crying, he can't stop, and he has to stop, because Stark men do not cry, and-

"Do you really forgive me?" Tony chokes. Bruce nods, his head pressed against Tony's shoulder. Tony stifles a sob. "Why?"

"Because it's hard to come to terms with something like this. You were confronted with something you didn't want to hear, and you felt attacked. I'm not surprised, honestly".

"But I hit you." Tony whimpers.

"I know. If I hadn't been expecting it, it might have ended badly".

"You were-"

"Oh, not like that. I just..." Bruce rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed. "I remember after I was confronted by my roommate, I nearly broke his nose. It doesn't surprise me because I've been there".

"Oh." Tony doesn't have his head turned away from Bruce anymore, but he still won't look at him. Tony feels tears fall on the backs of his hands, and he closes his eyes, trying to shut out the world.

"Why did you do it, Tony?" Bruce asks with a patient voice. "I want you to get better, but first you have to admit there's a problem".

"I just..." Tony shivers, hiding his face. "I'm so tired of this shit".

"I know, I know. Please, Tony, I can help, but you need to tell me." Bruce smiles, and it's sad and kind, and Tony just can't take it anymore. A strangled sob escapes him, and he decides to tell Bruce how he feels.

The second he starts being honest with himself, it's like a floodgate opened inside him. He tells Bruce everything, from how he hates his own behavior to how he only drinks because his anxiety gives him sensory overload and he can only handle it if he's buzzed. He starts telling Bruce about his dad, choking on that phrase again, the one that's been drilled into his head since he was a kid. And Bruce listens. He actually listens, even when Tony gets mad and starts swearing and screaming and just wants to curl up and die. He listens to Tony's incoherent rambling, he listens to everything Tony has to say. And at the end of it, Tony is feeling much calmer, much more stable.

"I just hate myself sometimes. I know I'm better than this, I'm just..." Tony searches for a word that makes sense. "Stuck".

"Stuck, huh? I get that." Bruce nods, then smiles as his friend looks him in the eye. "I hate how that feels, that stuck feeling. You can't move forward but you sure as hell don't want to go backwards".

"It's stupid. I fucking hate it." Tony mutters. Bruce hums, then hands him a water bottle. "No thanks".

"You should really drink it. You've been crying non-stop since we started, you're probably super dehydrated".

Tony takes the water bottle, scowling.

"I feel dead. Like, on the inside." Tony drinks some of the water, and he's surprised to find just how thirsty he was. "Like, there's nothing in there, but there's supposed to be".

"Numb." Bruce offers the word, and Tony latches onto it so quick it feels almost unnatural. 

"Yes, exactly! I feel numb." Tony suddenly becomes aware of the wicked headache he has. "Is that normal?"

"That is perfectly normal. You're still processing. That was probably the first good release you've had in years".

"I got a headache".

"That's probably from the dehydration. And exhaustion".

"I've just spent the entire time crying! Why am I tired?"

"Emotions are draining. Depression is draining. Anxiety is draining! I mean, look at what you've gone through today! Worked all day, had a meltdown, nearly bled out, it's no wonder you're exhausted".

Bruce realizes he's thrown his hands up and quickly drops them. Tony chuckles at him, and it's a real laugh, the first one in a long time. Bruce smiles, then pushes Tony's hair out of his face, withdrawing when he hears Tony's hum.

"Oh, sorry. I forgot you don't like physical contact".

"No, it's ok. I actually kinda like that." Tony smiles sadly. "Reminds me of my mom".

"Oh." Bruce hesitantly rubs Tony's hair, then does it more vigorously when he sees how well Tony responds to it. Tony closes his eyes, and after a few minutes, Bruce is fairly certain he's fallen asleep. He stands, packing up to leave the room.

"Bruce?" Tony mumbles.

"Hm?"

"Thank you".

Bruce smiles, touching his friend's shoulder in a gesture of fondness.

"You're welcome. I need to make some calls, ok?"

"Mhm".

Bruce slips quietly out of the room. For someone who turns into a giant green rage monster, he is surprisingly quiet. He makes his way back to the lab, breathing easier with each step. Friday has WatchDog protocol on right now, and she will instantly alert Bruce if Tony tries anything. He makes it all the way to his lab without incident, then takes a moment to process what just happened.

Now for the hard part. Bruce looks up at the ceiling, fully aware that Friday can't "see" him.

"Friday, group call; Colonel James Rhodes and Miss Pepper Potts." Bruce waits as Pepper picks up, glaring at her screen like someone who just went to bed. Rhodey's not much better. "I have it under control-"

"Oh, God, what did he do now?" Pepper groans loudly. Rhodey just stares blankly at the screen, as if he's not fully awake.

"He tried to kill himself".

That shuts Pepper up real quick. Rhodey blinks a few times, then sighs loudly, getting up from his position.

"I should actually clarify; he cut himself, on purpose, but slipped the weapon in too deep, which nearly lead to his death. He's lucky I decided to go check up on him. Another few minutes and he'd be dead".

Pepper looks stunned, and so does Rhodey. There's a quick three seconds where nobody says anything.

Then both recipients explode.

"Is he ok? What happened? Oh God, if that asshole tries anything..." Pepper yells. Rhodey takes the opposite direction.

"I knew this was gonna happen! I should've been there! I swear to God, if he had- I should have-"

"I'm on my way!" Both of them shout. Bruce groans.

"No".

"What do you mean, 'no'? We are his best friends!" Rhodey shouts.

"I literally just got him to sleep. He's still processing; we had a talk. He'll be fine, but if you want to speak to him, it'll have to wait until tomorrow".

"Wait until tomorrow? What if he tries something?" Pepper screeches.

"Friday's running the WatchDog protocol. I made sure it can't be tampered with or turned off, and had Tony sign off as a 'distressed user'. Friday won't recognize his quit commands until we give them back".

"How bad was it?" Rhodey sounds ashamed. "I know he... doesn't have the best... um..."

"He cuts, you mean." Bruce sees Rhodey flinch, then nod. "We talked about that too. And the drinking, which, by the way, is how he deals with sensory overload. I'm shocked he's gone this long without doing something definite".

"I've tried- I mean- How did you do it?"

"I sat down and told him we having that conversation if it took all night. I didn't leave, I just kept asking. It took a couple of point blank questions, but we got through it".

"Point blank questions?" Pepper asks.

"I asked him if he wanted to die. Forced him to confront his circumstances. Once he stopped denying, we got somewhere".

"You- Doesn't that question make you more likely to kill yourself?" Rhodey looks astonished.

"What? No! Where did you hear that?" Bruce makes a face at the screen. "No, it doesn't- That's stupid! Making someone honestly tell you if they want to die or not often helps prevent suicides. It makes the victim confront their reality, asking them if they really believe death is the answer, or just the only answer they see".

Bruce sees the confusion on Rhodey's face, and he begins to understand where they went wrong.

"When was the last time you had a completely honest discussion about his tendencies?"

"Um..."

"When was the last time you questioned his destructive behavior? When was the last time you confronted him about it?"

"Well..."

Bruce felt his veins pulse, but he didn't really care. Did they even care about Tony at all? They knew, they fucking knew what he was like, and they didn't question any of it?

"Are you shitting me?" Bruce mutters. "Are you fucking serious?! You don't even- Do you even care if he dies!"

Pepper and Rhodey say nothing. Bruce growls, but when the sound comes out much deeper than normal, he forces himself to take a breathe.

"You can see him tomorrow. In the meantime, I suggest you do a little research." Bruce hangs up the call, then tells Friday to seal the Tower. "Immediate personal only".

He goes back to the medical bay, then sits in the chair next to Tony's bed, watching his friend. Tony looks at peace in his sleep, and Bruce honestly can't remember the last time Tony looked like that. *How much was stolen from you?* Bruce thinks to himself. *How little did we give you? How much did we take?*

Bruce does some research on local therapists, looking at outpatient treatment centers. Therapy was part of healing, even if Tony wasn't ready to hear that yet. They'd get to that soon, and as Bruce watches his friend, he contemplates the incredible journey Tony has ahead of him. Recovery is not an easy road, and he will have to be there to keep Tony from slipping. But he's willing to walk that path, because he doesn't want anyone to suffer the way he did.

As Bruce starts to fall asleep, he remembers his first encounter with Tony, and how the man helped him feel comfortable with himself. He owes Tony so much, and this might be his chance to repay the favors done for him. He smiles dreamily, taking solace in the fact that his friend will eventually be ok.

All Bruce had to do was listen.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, because suicide is a serious topic:
> 
> 800-273-8255  
> Suicide hotline
> 
> and Debunking myths!
> 
> No, asking someone if they want to die will not make them more likely to commit suicide.  
> No, asking your friends for an honest answer about how they feel will not make them more likely to commit suicide.  
> If someone tells you, there is a chance you can still change their mind. If the danger is immediate, call 911. It's better to have them not speak to you ever again than to lose them for good.  
> Telling your friend you are worried about them will not drive them away. If you have concerns, talk with them honestly and calmly.  
> Joking about suicide is not funny. If someone tells you they are considering suicide, listen honestly.  
> And finally, its ok to admit when you are in over your head. Suggesting that your friend get help will not drive them away.
> 
> Its heartbreaking how many people kill themselves every year. Please, end the cycles. If you need help, ask for it. If someone you know needs help, offer it. Be aware of the signs of self-destructive behavior, and don't ignore your gut feelings.
> 
> Stay safe.


End file.
